Roses are red
Violets are blue
Yesterday was Tuesday
But today’s Tuesday, too
when u catch someone lookin at you for like the 15th time and u just like damn u tryna holla or what
someone asked me today how i was
but i fully knew i didn’t need to answer.
everyone who knows me can see easily,
the skin at my jaw pulls a little tighter,
clings to my hip a little harder, closer.
the dark circles under my light eyes scream loud enough
tonight i thought i saw you.
black dress shoes, black peacoat, medium wash jeans.
your hair, cut short, just the way i liked it best.
just across 33rd, God i swear you were there.
that singsong stepping gait of yours.
i regret every time i told you to put me down when you picked me up and twirled me around,
i would trades days of my life to relive one of those moments.
your long fingers, clenching at my hips, just a little chubbier than i could stand them.
i thought about how romantic it would be,
you telling me you’d made a mistake,
you need me.
it wasn’t you.
i nearly forgot you don’t exist in this world.
tonight i thought about my sleeping pills.
i thought about how strong i am, every time i take just one,
when i really want to down half the bottle.
i think, even though you’re gone,
even though you hate me now,
you’d be proud of me.
i am proud of you.
for the way you get up every morning and keep going,
for kicking me, toxic waste, out of your life,
out of your mind.
for living today.
i finally know how it feels to really be sick.
i miss you like the sun misses the stars when it rises,
and i know you told me all i cared about was me,
but the one thing i care more about than myself is you.
yes, it is hard to lose my best friend, confidant, partner, lover
but it is harder to watch myself,
a hurricane of a girl
(I am not the mature woman I pretend to be)
swallow you whole.
you are the calm,
the sand, i am the ocean,
i beat against you endlessly, always coming back to brush against you.
God, I love you with every breath in my shallowly hyperventilating lungs.
letting go feels so much like giving up,
but you gotta know, i never did.
this is the one tide that won’t go out.
i miss you in forever ways,
always hoping you’ll return to me someday.